Relationship Zone: Why You Failed At Love

In honor of the 5 year anniversary of Black Girls Are Easy, I want to touch on 5 things that continue to keep women from being Spartans. I’ve heard every situation there is, most of them are the same exact problems, because as unique as women are, many give into the same weak emotions that keep them struggling. I’ve seen problems solved and I’ve seen them worsened. The difference isn’t me, I can be the catalyst for change, but it’s the way a woman reacts to what I say that helps or hinders herself and determines her own success. The difference between a woman that wins and one that keeps losing boils down to effort. People don’t want help, they want a quick fix, to be told they are doing things right for the most part and just need to add a new trick. Being a Spartan isn’t about tricks, it’s about changing your basic ass mindset fundamentally. You can’t walk in, get water thrown on your head, and be told you’re born again, you need to actually work at this shit! Negativity and fear. Those are the two things I try to tackle every time I write. To overthink your every move, to cling on to the past, to panic the moment a guy doesn’t do what you want, or do things as quickly as you expected, always proves that there is still deep insecurity at work. Think Positive Thoughts, isn’t the magic pill, it takes an actual mental shift to go from Pussy to Queen. Being positive puts a smile on your face for a few hours as you try to affirm things you learned, then negativity roars back the moment you hit a roadblock in your relationship. Reaching Supreme Spartanhood doesn’t mean you won’t be tested, it doesn’t mean you won’t have struggles, but it does give you the power not to let anxiety and fear set in to the point where you forget everything you learn and act out like every other basic bitch.

 From a woman getting ready to be divorced to a college girl who finds out her last semester boo is ready to move on with another girl, those are things you can’t be positive about on the surface. No matter how much you meditate or get told it will be okay, the primary feeling is Failure. Women hate to fail at love. To have a relationship stall, a marriage end in divorce, or even have a FWB situation end verifies a woman’s worst fear: She isn’t good enough. These other women win with a lot less effort, while you jump through hoops, cater to, and hold down dudes only to find out indirectly that he wants something better. You give chance after chance to bae, only to realize later that his words were meaningless and he would never change the way he promised. You couldn’t keep a man so you are a failure. That is what is at the root of your anxiety. You want to keep what you currently have going on so those thoughts about failure remain in the back of your head. You want to make it work with piece of shit men because if you can’t even lock down a bum nigga, then what does that say about you? Those weak bitch emotions lead to weak bitch actions like stalking, confronting other women, blowing up his phone, pop ups, continuing sex after it’s over, bribes, etc… You don’t’ need a fucking man to make you feel like a winner. Everyone wants someone to love, to share things with, to make them feel special, but it’s not what you judge a successful life on. The end of a relationship doesn’t mean you failed, it means it ended, dumb ass. What did you learn from that time, how did you grow, and what mistakes need to be corrected? The only way to truly fail at love is to stop trying, to sit out the season, and bitterly make excuses as to why you don’t want a man. Stop sounding like a fucking brat. You do want a man, you do want to fall in love, but you’re afraid to fail again and reinforce the idea that no one wants you for real. Your past results are the way they are because internally you don’t really love yourself. You can’t put positivity into a negative person. You can’t remove paranoia from the mind of a girl who feels like any guy who wants her only wants her for sex, if she herself only thinks she’s good for sex. You say you love yourself, and take your little duck lip pictures, but I see through all the lies. You’re irritated, annoyed, and have something to say about everyone else’s love life because you resent yourself. If you can’t even spend an hour alone with yourself and not feel bored, lonely, or frustrated then why would anyone want to be with you? Your only job in life is to love yourself, and the reason you feel like a failure isn’t because of a “him” it’s because you can’t let go of your insecurities long enough to truly love yourself.

                                             

Looks

 

 I’m always asked to do more posts about the physical appearance of women. I’ve written about the ass obsession, the lightskin versus darkskin prejudice that a lot of men have, and I covered weight in Solving Single Chapter 17. I understand that it’s important, and that no amount of positive thinking will ever get through when a woman has to constantly hear shit like, “You’re cute—in the face. You’re pretty—for a darkskin girl. Your body is banging—(no comment on that face tho).” Does it matter how you look? Of fucking course it does, I’m not going to sit and lie to you like some Sunday school teacher. However, most women look at it through the wrong end of the binoculars. It matters how you look—TO YOURSELF. That extroverted big girl who wants to drop 30lbs can still love her looks overall, go out, flirt, and date successfully. I’ve seen so many examples of this, so when I have a bigger woman who hits me up trying to throw all her problems on her weight and how she’s been dealt a bad hand, I call bullshit. That woman is embracing the role of being a victim of circumstance and judging herself more than society is. Covering up in layers, refusing to go out to social events, not speaking to handsome men because he couldn’t possibly be interested. Those are things you do to yourself because you don’t think you’re attractive. Go to DR, get that stomach transferred to your ass, and buy a year’s supply of Herbalife, but in the end you didn’t fix anything. You ever see an insecure woman that suddenly drops weight? I have, and they tend to be the easiest women in the world to manipulate. Not because it’s their first time getting attention, big girls get chased by Players and Pussy Hunters just like every other vagina holder, they struggle because they remain the same mentally. Looking pretty and feeling pretty are not one in the same, and if you don’t feel deserving of having a man that treats you right because you don’t see yourself as anything impressive then you will attract men that give you zero respect. That worry about being pretty enough doesn’t go away, because even with a boob job or an ass shot, your attractiveness is still dependent on outside forces constantly giving you a stamp of approval. So no, I will never do a post about what kind of skirt to wear, what type of blouse attracts a male’s eye, weaves vs. natural, or any nonsense that serves only to Band-Aid your weak bitch confidence. I would rather focus on the real makeover that comes from realizing that your looks will never please EVERY man in the world, and not give a fuck.

 

Your forehead’s on Rihanna. Your tits are stuck in 7^th grade. Your gap teeth is big enough to drive a car through. You have the type of nose only a coke dealer could love. You’re one hamburger from not being able to ride the rollercoasters. snap snap snap! Motherfuckers will always have jokes about your features. These savages can freeze frame a picture of anyone and pick it apart because they don’t have shit better to do than deflect their own insecurity by pointing out the flaws of others. What are you going to do? Sit in the house, cover your forehead, get a nose job, never smile, wear push up bras, order a booty pop? The moment you quit is the moment you truly become unattractive. Zoe Saldana had a quote about how she can pull any nigga in a room not because she’s “classically beautiful” but because she’s a bad ass fucking Spartan Queen! Zoe knows that men like to shop for sex, but they submit to attitude. Life is not about how these men rate you on their scale of Won’t Fuck-Will Fuck-Girlfriend Pretty. Personality upgrades looks, because men are full of shit in their initial shallow desires. However, in order to bring out your personality you have to be in love with yourself. If you go out on a date thinking that your flat ass makes you a monster or your crooked bottom tooth is going to get you laughed out of Cheesecake Factory, then how the fuck are you going to be confident in your ability to unload your personality? Embrace your beauty when you’re alone in that bathroom staring in the mirror, then learn to embrace it when you’re in a room full of models, and at that moment when you don’t feel threatened or inadequate you will know what it means to feel beautiful. Fuck these niggas liking your pictures, gassing you, or complimenting you, real or fake, their cosigns don’t matter. A Queen knows she’s a fucking Queen even before someone puts that crown on her head.

Comparison

One of the more popular memes is “Nike doesn’t worry about what Reebok is doing.” It’s cute, don’t get me wrong, but it’s bullshit. Nearly every human being is guilty of comparing themselves to others. It’s the reason many people have Facebook, so they can measure themselves against people from high school or past jobs. It’s the reason the first question humans ask is, “So how is such and such doing?” Every week I get at least five emails asking about some celebrity in terms of, “She doesn’t have this or that, I do, so how can I get like her.” A lot of you walk around fronting like you’re Nike, but in reality most people are a bunch of Reebok’s. This isn’t just about women, men love to get into pissing contest. This is why you see so many new rappers going broke trying to keep up with the wealthy veterans. It’s why you see niggas who work at the same job making the same exact money, rushing to buy rare sneakers or taking out huge loans on luxury whips. Even when you’re equal financially, you compare yourself to the next dude, and you can’t have him doing better than you, so you find something to put distance between you and the next nigga.

In terms of love, comparing your apple to her orange will only frustrate you. Girls who have been single for years, begin to panic, thus they look to what worked for others to win. She went on Match.com and found a boo before her free trail expired—you did that and didn’t find shit. She got into a long distance relationship and is getting married this year—you talked to a man out of state and all he did was fly out to fuck and then give you a speech about needing to end it to focus on himself. She went to church and Jesus dropped that cute guy from the choir in her lap—you go to church and all you got was sleep. No matter who you point out and follow or what method you try to replicate, in the end your road to a ring will never be the exact same road as any of those women. Your version of Carrie Bradshaw is going to end up casting a different Big, so stop referencing the Sex and the City script! These women think you’re great because you’re on the ‘gram popping bottles with tall niggas. You think they’re great because they always keep a boyfriend. In the end both of you are miserable inside and unfulfilled because you have yet to reach Nike level, you’re still trying to get like them. Spartans don’t worry about which road to take, they’re too busy creating their own lane.

Loyalty

I remember this story from the second year of BGAE where this woman refused to leave this abusive and cheating man. Her problem was, “How do I coexist with him until he’s healthy enough to work again?” This guy had hurt himself, and while she knew she had to leave him, she couldn’t do it while he was in a bad way and needed her to nurse him. I read that shit like four times because it was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard at the time. Fast forward, I always get similar stories of women who want to stand by men who aren’t loyal or even a good guy in sense of treatment. Some women actually let niggas build up equity, where with each month that they are together he gets another two months of unconditional love credit. So in the end two years of being with a man, means you stay another four in order to give him an opportunity to change. HA! When have you ever seen a nigga change? He’ll change for his next bitch who actually puts her foot down, but a man will never change for that weak bitch that has a history of letting him slide. Men don’t love unconditionally, they love based on the condition that you keep doing what you’ve been doing. The argument of “how could he leave and start over so soon,” is based on this fact. Men don’t give a fuck how good that first six months was, if the next three are horrible—fuck you, on to the next. Women need to embrace that same ideology, because being loyal to the idea of what you once were will never spark a change in behavior.

 The same thing goes for female friends aka “My Bff that tells ever girl my business and tells every dude I talk to that he should be careful.” For the fellas reading this, tell me that getting two friends alone and hearing how they bury each other isn’t more fun than playing GTA with all the weapons unlocked? I won’t say girls ain’t shit, but a lot of them ain’t shit in terms of loyalty to one another. The ones who are honest and decent get used, but it’s their own fault for loving snakes. When I said Spartans roll in groups where there is only one other Alpha female, I meant it. And over the years I have seen this proven over and over again. It’s that one ratchet dumb chick that gets to tag along because she’s extroverted and makes a fool of herself in public aka The Jester. That shy girl who doesn’t mind driving the group aka The Hand Maiden. The fake boss chick who ends up buying everyone drinks because she likes to stunt, even though she has the lowest paying job out of the group aka The Treasurer. As you move up the friend rank you finally get to the Alphas who let the peasants do their job while she and her fellow Queen Bee soak it up, but they don’t trust any of those hoes. The moment new dick pops up, girls tend to act funny, you can’t change that, but you can be aware that you may get thrown under the bus. There is nothing wrong with being nice and looking out for your friend or your boyfriend, but never be loyal to a fault. It’s the ones you give a helping hand to that will be quick to pull you down. Loyalty isn’t earned and given for life; that shit has to be constantly renewed week by week and month by month. Never let your maternal nature have you locked in a one way relationship or your need to have a girl to call “sister” have you bending over backwards for someone who would sell you out the moment you turn your back.

Silence

Do you want him to be your boyfriend, then why can’t you say that? If you don’t trust the things he’s said on these past two dates, call him up and ask follow up questions. If you need money to get your nails done, why are you calling your cousin instead of the man that had his dick in you last weekend? If you don’t like how he’s talking to you, don’t hang up the phone and pout, open your mouth and check him. Ever talk to an Alpha female that isn’t afraid of boys? Like really doesn’t give a fuck in real life, not one of these fake witty checks on social media that only pretends to be fuck-less? These girls never get played because they don’t let niggas slide with lies. They don’t let niggas smooth talk themselves into coming over to fuck. And when it comes to money, she’s not afraid to say, “Get me this.”
It’s not about being shy, that’s a cop out, it’s about fear. Girls don’t communicate well because it exposes them on an intimate level that few can handle. What if he says “no” to being your man? That means you just spent a month lusting over someone who sees you as not worthy. What if you ask him hard questions and it annoys him? That means he’s going to stop calling you and call the next girl. What if you ask for weave money, he’s going to think you’re a Ho, and it’s over. Women talk themselves out of expressing themselves, which means that men can put their feet up and get by on text messages, lies about owning a business, and curbside Outback dates. If you can open your mouth to talk about Kanye and Beck, Kim K and baby oil, and your theory on Mike Brown, then you can open your mouth to talk about shit that affects your life directly. You have a man sitting across to you that you can’t communicate with, that’s a problem. You’re fucking a guy who you’re nervous to ask for things, that’s a problem. You’re on dates with cash money stuffed in your bra, because you don’t know this man enough to know that he won’t make you pay for your meal. If you talked about your internal thoughts like you talk about Empire plotlines, you wouldn’t send and receive so many mixed signals when dating. If you learned to open your mouth and question guys, you wouldn’t have to google shit like, “What does it mean when men only call after 10pm…” There is one thing in life that gets you what you want—Your Mouth! Use it, regardless of the response you may get.

Denial

 

You’ve been talking to that boy for four months, but he doesn’t want you. How do I know? Because if he did he would have laid claim instead of giving excuses. You’ve been in a relationship with a guy for three years and you’re still arguing about other women and lack of attention. You’re not going to fix that. How do I know? Because even with the arguments you’re comfortable with him, and so long as he knows you’re not going anywhere for real, he’s not going to change. You went back to have sex with an ex, saying you just needed a nut, you’re fronting. How do I know? Because of all the men you could fuck that look better and have more, you choose to recycle someone who you still have things to prove to. Honesty is everything. You have to be honest about how someone is treating you even if it stings your ego and makes you feel basic. You have to be honest about why you keep unnecessary people in your romantic life, because the excuse of “we’re still friends” or “we have a child together,” has nothing to do with you taking your panties off for him. When these chicks say they are confused about their man’s actions, it’s because they refuse to open both eyes and look. When I wrote about Stop Being The Bottom Bitch, it resonated because there are more bottom bitches these days than actual girlfriends. Why would a woman continue to let a man come and go as he feels, never fully commit, and waste the prime years of her life? Bottom Bitches don’t know they are bottom bitches, I mean they have a hunch, but they don’t own up to it. What happens is that her “man” gives her a Valentine’s Day gift, and in her mind, she’s not a Bottom Bitch anymore because he spent $50. Ha! In her mind, he always comes back to her and gives this speech about how his last girlfriend wasn’t as good, so she’s not just layover pussy anymore, she’s his wife in the making because he’s admitting his feelings as deep. Ha! For every red flag he throws at you that proves what you already know, your ego and pride find an excuse to prove that it wasn’t really a red flag due to some corny ass talk, favor, or gift. Denial!

Men feed lovesick women crumbs, and these Basicas make a meal of it. In reality, what is love? Love isn’t running back from one girl to you, because he can’t decide. Love isn’t taking months to decide if he wants monogamy with you. Love isn’t a man pouring out his heart about how important you are only after he got caught doing something wrong. Love isn’t that two week span when you don’t argue and you feel like everything is right, love lasts! The problem is that too many women don’t understand what love is, just what a man tells her it is. “Girl you know I love you, why you think I’m over here instead of over there!” Women in bad relationships have to be convinced they are loved, because they don’t actually feel it. A man can give you all these examples about what he does for you, how he puts you first, but the reason he has to give you proof is because he knows you don’t feel it. He loves you because you do things for him; like a Monkey loves that trainer who comes with candy. But he’s not IN LOVE. It’s not working out for real, he wants someone else or is set on the idea of someone else, and it shows in his actions.

 Ladies, you know when a man is dialing it in emotionally, stop pretending as if he’s this great actor that has you fooled. He knows you don’t feel love because he knows he isn’t showing real love! If you felt loved, you wouldn’t have to beg for his attention. If you felt loved, you wouldn’t be tripping about when your wedding ring is coming. If you felt loved, you wouldn’t be up at night worrying about if you are indeed just a Placeholder. He says he loves you, but when’s the last time you’ve FELT as if he loved you? If your mind just raced back to different examples of when he did something nice, then you’re in denial. A woman who is truly loved doesn’t need to think about the things a man’s done in the past, she knows from the way she feels currently. You’re in love with the idea of what he represents—success at love as opposed to failure! The truth hurts because you have to own up to the fact that the love you want isn’t the love you are getting. Why doesn’t he want you as much as you want him? Doesn’t matter. Why do you continue to wait around for him to give you his love when it’s clear he won’t? The fear of failing at love is what drives weak bitches to keep embarrassing themselves with their actions and embracing lies. There is no way you can fail at love once you realize your first love, YOURSELF, will always be there to pick you up and encourage you to keep going no matter the heartbreak. In the end, there is one emotion that will always cancel out all the negative ones, Love of Self. If your life is a mess, it isn’t because you’re lacking in love from a man, it’s because you’re lacking in love for yourself.
Blackgirlsareeasy.com

Thanks for visiting this blog. Please leave your comments below.