Relationship Zone: After Marriage

Another great relationship piece written by blackgirlsareeasy.com, but this time for those who are married and aspiring to get married someday.

 I’ve put off writing about married life because being a newlywed doesn’t feel like real marriage, it comes off as just an extension of the relationship you two already had going before you jumped the broom. However, as I reach my second year as a married man I can speak a little more on the experience. The honeymoon isn’t over in the sense of being in love and happy, but you do begin to settle into a routine. Ben Affleck famously said, “Marriage is work,” and it is. There are compromises that you have to make, disagreements that you can’t walk away from, and communication that has to be done no matter how much you just want to be left alone. Being married isn’t about rings and last name’s it’s about two becoming one in a way that most of us never understand when we’re simply dating. My wife is my best friend, and that’s not because of the time we have to spend together, it’s because of the time we want to spend together. Being married changes your DNA, your spouse becomes an extension of you, and if they aren’t around, life feels hollow. No longer is it about doing things with her so she feels included or because it’ll get you brownie points, you legitimately want to spend every minute of each day with that person. Not to talk, cuddle, or do any of that simp shit they show in movies, just to be in the same room is enough to make you feel complete. I have to experience certain things with my wife or they don’t feel  same. We literally think the exact same shit and constantly tell each other, “stay out of my head!” That’s the kind of thing we don’t share with anyone else because it sounds crazy, but It’s a real level of intimacy that everyone in a relationship should strive to obtain.

When I hear about dudes staying late at work because they don’t feel like going home or guys trying to get out of the house at every chance, I think, “what bitch forced you into marriage?” Obviously, there are shit loads of men who simply did what they had to do for the kids or because she held him down, but those guys pay the price for marrying a woman they weren’t 100% about. I can’t speak to that “we may as well do this” lifestyle because back when I was single I was determined never to settle down until I was as sure as I could be. My wife always reminds me of how I never asked her to be my girlfriend I told her that she was mine. It’s not that I was a decisive person when it came to women, I made a career of keeping chicks I wasn’t impressed with in relationship purgatory and playing dumb like I didn’t know what they wanted. With her I didn’t have time to play games, it was like finding money on the sidewalk, you scoop it up asap, and never look back. People always ask, “How do you know if that person is right?” You never know who is going to be right for you in the future, you can only speak to if they’re superior to everyone else you’ve come across thus far. It’s like the NFL draft, you see all these prospects, but there’s always ONE that stands above the rest, so you move aggressively to get that player with no fucks given to the potential ruin it can cause the franchise if you’re wrong. Even as impressed as I was, we took the time to get to know one another, the good, and bad. By the time I got on bended knee, I could honestly say I knew that woman better than I know myself. Anyway, I know a lot of fellas are on that bubble thinking about proposing and some have just walked down the aisle themselves. You can’t predict how a person will change over the next few years, and each relationship will come with its own unique headaches, but here are a few things for my brothers to keep in mind that will hopefully cushion some of the growing pains.

Little Things Matter

As men, we are famous for saying, “It’s not a big deal.” In our mind women trip over small things and we don’t have time for that petty shit. When you are married, you had better make time for that petty shit. If it’s a problem for her, it’s automatically a problem for you. If leaving your shoes in the living room instead of the bedroom is pissing her off, understand that it is not stupid for her to be mad. Big or small, you are doing something that’s stressing her out, and if you continue to ignore that small beef, she won’t accept it as the status quo or see it from your perspective. Your wife will see your inability to address the problem as you giving her your ass to kiss. She’s not going to go Reservoir Dogs and super glue your dick to your stomach while you sleep, but you’re setting the stage for an argument that could have been easily avoided. Some women don’t put their foot down right then and there, instead they let it pile up. Little thing after little thing adds fuel to the fire until her anger has transformed and turned into Devastator. Now you’re in the Kroger parking lot arguing about putting the wrong cereal in the cart, but she’s acting like you fucked another chick. That didn’t come out of nowhere, homie, that shit built up to the point of eruption and it’s both of your faults. You kept giving her that ammo, while she allowed her clip to fill to the top in secret. It’s no longer about the small thing you just did, she’s letting out that anger from all the small things you have been doing. Save yourself the headache and the drama and take care of those issues as soon as they pop up.

Never Run From A Fight

Women argue past the point of apology, their arguments have sub arguments and even if you get over one issue, there is another that has to be addressed before she calms down. When you’re just girlfriend and boyfriend, you have the ability to turn your phone off and go somewhere else until she’s through being emotional and ready to be logical. Do not treat your wife like that some overdramatic little girl and run over to your cousin’s crib. This isn’t Bottom Bitch Bria who you can tell to fuck off, then come back a week later and dick down, you have to show her respect even when she’s acting like a brat. Whatever your squabble, stand your ground and argue your case. If you think she’s not listening, don’t raise your voice to talk over her, keep calm and state the facts calmly, then walk into the other room. Too many times dudes run away and the woman sees that as giving up or admitting guilt, “why didn’t you stay and talk it out,” will be her first question, and no matter how much you point to her acting like a child as the reason you dipped, it won’t solve anything. Stay there and prove that you are willing to work things out. Win, lose, or come away looking crazy, you have to go down sticking to your story like Jodi Arias. The day after a fight, she’ll calm down and you can talk it out for real, but you just saved yourself another sub-argument, “why did you run like a bitch if you’re such a man?”

Between me and you

The emails I get from married women aren’t all about cheating, they are often about a man’s mother or sibling putting their noses where it doesn’t belong. Mama’s boys getting their Lil Scrappy on don’t seem to understand that being married isn’t a group sport, and that it’s not appropriate to bring someone in to “get your side of the story”. Fellas, when we get frustrated we want to reach for a co-signer, someone who will see things our way and prove that we’re in the right. This is the big leagues, husbands don’t call Mommy or God sister for backup! Furthermore, if your wife is the one who feels a need to let her besties or church choir members know every detail of your marriage, you need to shut that down. When you’re single and dating you lean on others to give you advice, but you’ve made that jump and the biggest survival test is the ability to work things out as a couple. It’s okay to talk about certain things with those close to you, but do not blab about every hiccup like one of those Basicas on Facebook who feel a need to put their man on blast one day then praise his greatness the next, you look like idiots. Realize that you both will get angry and you both will need a cool off period, if you put someone in the middle every time you’re pissed all they see is the constant drama. A lot of these so called friends have ulterior motives and would love to see you end in divorce. Happiness isn’t contagious, it enrages those who don’t have anyone. If she goes to an undercover hater for support or you go to someone who wants you to be with another girl for advice, they will continuously put the jealousy bug in your ears and cause even more friction. Anyone outside of a therapist or counselor type can’t be trusted to be unbiased.

Don’t Cage Yourself

The reason marriage is so scary is because a lot of men look at it like the end of the road. No more flirting, no more clubbing, no more kicking it with the homies until four in the morning… just you and her trapped together. I’ve found that it’s not the wives that force men into a boring life, it’s the men who isolate themselves from society. Marrying the right woman takes away the desire to do a lot of shit, but you have to retain your individuality and make an effort to have fun like in the old days. I don’t really like to club anymore because let’s face it, that shit is like a vegetarian going to an all you can eat hamburger joint. Still I have single friends who are into that and you can’t stop being a good friend just because you found a better friend. I go out with the fellas to let loose, and I make it fun for myself in other ways, see what songs are hot in the street, what tacky trends the ratchets are stepping out with, and generally experience that side of life while I’m still young enough to get away with it. Your wife may tell you to go and have fun, but she doesn’t really mean that shit. In her mind she can be your homie, lover,  and amateur stripper, why would you need to go anywhere? Don’t be a pussy and fall for any guilt comments or puppy dog eyes. You need that time away so you can have something to look forward to when you come back. Be a man.

Other Women Can’t Break You

I took one of my homegirls out and she caught me staring at some chick and smiled, “how does it feel to know you’ll never fuck another girl.” She was taunting me in that manipulative way hoes taunt, but I told her I wouldn’t have gotten married if I wasn’t mature enough to keep my dick in my pants. The truth is all men look at women and all men flirt to some extent regardless of relationship status. If you lack the discipline to keep your interaction with women at a light and innocent level, then you’re weak and the foundation your marriage is built on won’t last. Temptation isn’t there to get you caught up, it’s there to reaffirm that you made the right choice. If you can’t handle a wink from a bad bitch, then it’s only a matter of time before your relationship collapses. The solution isn’t to isolate yourself from the opposite sex, you have to desensitize yourself to that fear of new pussy by learning how to talk to them as a married man. Women are everywhere, you’re destined to strike up a conversation, hell no you don’t take down numbers and get new text buddies, but it’s okay to be casual with the opposite sex. Being married should never make you feel guilty about saying more than three words to another woman. I have two married friends who both get in trouble on Facebook because they don’t know how to balance this. They try to hide from all women, but there is always that moment where they’re moved to give a girl a like and it raises red flags. To a wife looking from the outside in it seems random and suspicious. You never interact with women who are non-relatives… then suddenly you’re making an inside joke on some girl’s wall. Of course an insecure woman will suspect that shit is going down in that Inbox. Men have a tendency to want to interact with women, not because we want to fuck, but because it’s normal. Since elementary school, it’s been a natural way of life to joke around and talk shit to girls. You can’t let being married make you a social pariah. Married men on this side of the street, single women on this side of the street! That’s silly and unrealistic. Women expect a man to only have eyes for them, but don’t take that literally and torture yourself. Keeping your eyes to the ground will only make you want to look up that much more! You have to know that your heart belongs to her and she has to be confident that there is no ass fast enough or face fierce enough to change that. It’s okay to chitchat with female co-workers, to follow Draya on instagram, and to live life naturally, not with a female filter.

There is No One Better

Hova said treat your first song like your last and last like your first. I’m still new this game, but the one thing I always knew to do was to treat my wife just as special as I treated her when I was trying to get in her panties. You can’t pretend that loyal pussy is as exhilarating as new pussy, but you can appreciate that the woman you married is much more than just a nut. A woman isn’t a car, she doesn’t depreciate the more you hit it, yet men take their women for granted every day. True love doesn’t rush to your head like lust, it’s embedded so deeply that you can lose track of it, but if you take the time to remind yourself of what you have, that feeling supplies you with a high that no orgasm can touch. It’s not enough to tell your wife you love her every day, you have to treat her like a trophy, because that’s what she is. All of these men are out here hunting for a bad chick and you took first place, hoist her up and let her know how lucky you are to have her in your life. You don’t have to shower her with diamonds and roses (maybe heels and handbags), but always remember to take time out of the routine to do something that will make her smile.